The last 6-8 months or so has really tested all that I am. ALL. I've loved wholeheartedly, been hurt, cried pathetically alone in my bed, and all the while, kept a wonderfully decorated mask on. So that, behind all her smiles and her joking and her laughter...no one could see her misery and pain that consumed her heart. Even now, I tear up. I think about all that has transpired and I ask, "How do people go through this...fall in love, get hurt, and find another? Is something wrong with me when I say I am satisfied with only loving - truly loving - just once...that I could die tomorrow and still be content that I have loved only one person? Am I a naive and stupid romantic? I've been told there are many fish in the sea....ones better suited for me. Yet, there is always that one fish - maybe not as colorful and wonderfully beautiful to others' eyes but your own - you caught and had to let go ....and THAT my friend, as I sit here typing and as the tears freely fall, is torture in its purest form. There are days when the wall I have built around me is strong and durable, but like tonight, when one little thing - a word said, a song heard, a couple that walks by is seen - that wall is as soft and vulnerable as a snowflake melting on a blade of grass. All the emotions are brought back from the shadows, and are as severe and raw as the very first time you felt them.
I am sure I will be fine tomorrow. I just have to get through this night.
Always, me.
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ReplyDelete[PART ONE]
ReplyDeleteLove itself is the most amazing, cruelest thing that has ever existed & will ever exist in the history of anything. It is beautifully disgusting & disgustingly beautiful at the same time. It hurts, it feels wonderful, it sucks, it brings us joy. I've always seen love as the most wonderfully, amazing pain you will ever want to experience in your life. I've never known exactly why this is, but I know that despite all the heartaches & tears expelled from these [shockingly] "un-cried out" eyes & this "more-than-okay" heart, love is not something that I will trade. It is not worth the bartering for a trillion dollars; all the diamonds, pearls, emeralds, & rubies in the world; & all the power one could possibly possess. Because when the money is spent, the apparent flaws of those precious jewels are revealed & their worth is lessened, & people start turning to those who have risen higher than you, the flaws that love has are more comforting simply because it won't go away.
You aren't naive & there is nothing wrong with you. Plain & simple as that. I praise you, Joanne Mae Cinense, for your unwaivering & staunch belief in love in a world that is now plagued with such hate: hate for strangers, hate for those different from us, hate for those who hurt us in the most trivial ways, etc. And not just a platonic, general kind of love. But rather a love that is only deepened as the years & problems go by; a love that continues & presses on despite all the hurdles it WILL trip on; a love that has the ability to look adversity into its very soul & hold onto each other tighter that before, not out of fear, but out of pride, belief, & hope. This kind of love is also so rare to find. People give up very easily on this & it's so hard not to. With the kind of problems people contest with, people split up or stay together & can possibly face the unfortunate side-effects of a damaged relationship without realizing that the love is still there. You believe in a love that can rejuvenate & reawaken a person down to their soul; that can make them experience both Heaven AND Nirvana simultaneously without them even realizing it.
[PART TWO]
ReplyDeleteThe love is always there, & will always be there, but it's so hard to deal with. It's hard to think of it when every single thing has gone wrong & the two of you are inching back at the pace of a sloth to a place where love prevails. This kind of love is only sweetly & bittersweetly dreamt about, scribed in fairy tales, & acted out in movies. Not many people realize that it DOES exist, but most importantly, it DOES require all the work our small hearts can pump out. People can spend their whole entire lives looking & re-looking for this kind of love, but they may never find it (again). Tennyson was right when he said it was better to have loved & lost than never to have loved at all. I truly believe that is your life's quote. You have a satisfaction with love that people really do envy & hope for [why do you think people become serial monogamists? They crave love & they can never be content]. Just because others around you have told you to continue your search for another person that makes you feel as alive doesn't mean it is mandatory.
That quote speaks such volumes. It is so purely unselfish & wholly appreciative of what we are given. It defies what society has probably said for ages & centuries. I would be totally & utterly devasted if I ever lost Josh, but I know that at the end of my life [& probably even before that], I would be truly grateful to love someone that deep & immensely. If you are really content that you yourself have loved but [sadly] lost, then I am happy for you. I think that is such an amazing testament to the power that love can give someone; because YOU have experienced a love that has filled your soul to no end.
Love really is bittersweet; that's probably why giving a gift of chocolate works: it's sweet, yet there's something caustic & slightly harsh to its taste.
*devastated
ReplyDelete[Oooops. Hehehe.]