Just Sad.

I need to talk without someone asking me what is wrong. I just need to let it out. My life has been an emotional roller coaster - moments of happiness and moments of sadness (whose life isn't?), but if you were to ask me, "How are you?" My untruthful and usual response would be, "I'm good, hanging on as usual." Sigh. My honest reply with my swollen eyes is, "I'm miserably sad and sad and sad." How can I tell someone I cried alone in my bathroom writhing from the pain in my heart and soul? How can I tell someone I cry every night before I go to sleep? How can I tell someone I wake up, and lay there, and then cry some more? Sometimes right before I fall asleep, I wish I didn't wake up for the next day. Not in a suicidal way, but I don't want to wake up and go through the same routine again. I don't ... ... .. want to hurt anymore. It's like a sharp serrated knife is in my heart, and each day - when I hear a song, smell a familiar scent...see love - that knife is turned, deeper into what ever is left of me.
I hate being so - depressed. There is no other way to say it, but I am. I laugh. I smile. I joke. I do the things that make me look normal. No one really knows that I am deteriorating.






I want to be happy.