Just Sad.

I need to talk without someone asking me what is wrong. I just need to let it out. My life has been an emotional roller coaster - moments of happiness and moments of sadness (whose life isn't?), but if you were to ask me, "How are you?" My untruthful and usual response would be, "I'm good, hanging on as usual." Sigh. My honest reply with my swollen eyes is, "I'm miserably sad and sad and sad." How can I tell someone I cried alone in my bathroom writhing from the pain in my heart and soul? How can I tell someone I cry every night before I go to sleep? How can I tell someone I wake up, and lay there, and then cry some more? Sometimes right before I fall asleep, I wish I didn't wake up for the next day. Not in a suicidal way, but I don't want to wake up and go through the same routine again. I don't ... ... .. want to hurt anymore. It's like a sharp serrated knife is in my heart, and each day - when I hear a song, smell a familiar scent...see love - that knife is turned, deeper into what ever is left of me.
I hate being so - depressed. There is no other way to say it, but I am. I laugh. I smile. I joke. I do the things that make me look normal. No one really knows that I am deteriorating.






I want to be happy.

What's Wrong With Me?

The last 6-8 months or so has really tested all that I am. ALL. I've loved wholeheartedly, been hurt, cried pathetically alone in my bed, and all the while, kept a wonderfully decorated mask on. So that, behind all her smiles and her joking and her laughter...no one could see her misery and pain that consumed her heart. Even now, I tear up. I think about all that has transpired and I ask, "How do people go through this...fall in love, get hurt, and find another? Is something wrong with me when I say I am satisfied with only loving - truly loving - just once...that I could die tomorrow and still be content that I have loved only one person? Am I a naive and stupid romantic? I've been told there are many fish in the sea....ones better suited for me. Yet, there is always that one fish - maybe not as colorful and wonderfully beautiful to others' eyes but your own - you caught and had to let go ....and THAT my friend, as I sit here typing and as the tears freely fall, is torture in its purest form. There are days when the wall I have built around me is strong and durable, but like tonight, when one little thing - a word said, a song heard, a couple that walks by is seen - that wall is as soft and vulnerable as a snowflake melting on a blade of grass. All the emotions are brought back from the shadows, and are as severe and raw as the very first time you felt them.
I am sure I will be fine tomorrow. I just have to get through this night.
Always, me.

A Clarification!!!!

Friends comment that Joanne or Mae (whichever you call me) I am ALWAYS on FB (Facebook). No, I don't sit at my computer anxiously waiting for someone to respond to my status or comment on what I posted. I do something on FB, get up, do something, and if I happen to walk by the computer room (which I always do b/c it's next to the room where I study)...I check. True, I always update my status, but what a clever way to express your very thought and that very moment...to people who probably don't give a rat's cheese about what's on my mind. I'm an expressive person, and let's face it, Joanne is not a phone person. In fact, my phone has not worked for 3 weeks, and have I taken the effort to really take care of the situation? No-not really. I'm sure I have gazillions of texts and voice-mails. If you think I am addicted to FB, then so be it. I am addicted, but I like FB for many reasons. As cliche as it does sound, it does connect you with people - people who you might not normally keep in contact with. Dare I say, you get to know people a little more through FB. Shoot - Jehnel (my neice-in-law) has probably gotten to know me better through FB than face to face in this past year. It's easier to communicate who you are or how you feel sometimes through written language than it is to verbally express yourself (Verbal expression is just as good). I am sure some of you - and you know who you are - would be less obliged to say what you have said to me if it were not in written form....and the same goes for me. That is what I enjoy about writing ....I can read the words over and over again...and as I do, those feelings come to me as if it were the first time I were reading it (I'm obviously referring to more in depth writing than just FB statuses but you get the picture.). Sigh, I digress. In retrospect, if I weren't on FB ...no one would hear from me. I mean, some of my friends get worried when I haven't had "Joanne Activity" in 3 days. Who knows maybe I'll just "blog" now instead of update my FB statuses...I'm sure I'll hear complaints on that end too. I shall step of my soapbox, dust my shoulders off.........and Facebook! (wink).
Ingat, me.